Sunday, September 30, 2007

The heart is deceitful...



got done with chores early on thursday and turned on one of HBO's On Demand free movies, surprised to find something so alternative as Asia Argento's The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things.

gripping. couldn't turn away! awful things happening in the movie, can't turn it off!

never have seen asia in anything other than Marie Antoinette and Gus van Sandt's Last Days. knew about her from reading Bizarre years ago, she is the daughter of a horror legend, Dario Argento, and a fascinating kook. the movie is based on the book by JT Leroy, a true story by a young man raised by an insane drug addicted mother, later determined a total lie, a story fabricated within a story by a san francisco woman. don't remember how it all went down. a lot of people came out in support of "JT" only to realize they were duped along with everyone else into believing the gory story.

doesn't matter, it's an incredible film. difficult, abrupt, beautiful. impressive.

it's too bad asia was so perfect for the role. if she wasn't an actress, no doubt courtney love woud have been offered the part, for more reason than one.

Friday, September 28, 2007

"The neverending world of fantasy sky"



guy and i are considering splurging on first class seats on our honeymoon. while this notion is totally crazy to me, it's fun researching.

the above is from china air. i like their selling point of "smoothing" my "mood transition." isn't that what antidepressants are supposed to do too? i hope china air seats work better.

Art Department, part do



so, it's finally here. the job that could be as fun as art department was, well, or close.

i was interviewed over a ping-pong table in what looked like someone's house by 9 people at once. i felt like i was on Inside the Actor's Studio. like i was a star and they all wanted to know what i had to say about art, writing, and life experience. funny thing, i have an endless endless spew of things to say on those three topics.

they sat across the ping-pong table from me, some standing, some sitting, so it was like double-row people, almost like they were watching a game, maybe a ping-pong game. the first question was, "So, why writing?" easy. so easy for me to talk with a start like that. and talk i did. i told them, "It started in fifth grade..." and we were on. they laughed. i laughed. it was a date.

turns out i passed the acid test and they want to hire me. the pay is astronomical, the hours, scant. this is troubling, but i'm going for it. i can't turn down such a cool, relaxed, super fucking awesome work vibe like i felt there. it's in a raw warehouse space in a part of town that used to just house trash and midnight shoot-outs. now, some artists have moved in. a nice bar was set up. a coffeehouse. before you know it, the place is starting to feel like home.

they hired me because i told good stories (and maybe a few well-written lines). obviously, i don't have real advertising experience, but they don't care. anyone who hires me because of good stories, is my friend. i asked them, "do you all own part of this company? it seems like you all really care about it a lot." the answer to that was, "oh no, we're orphaned artists. the owner lives in vancouver. we just run the ship." nice. they are the lost boys with an irish-lesbian tinkerbell.

have to say, this feels like a very positive turn of events. like a precipice, like an ice cream cone on a hot day when you're 9 years old, like a fresh bottle of pills, like a juicy steak right off the grill, like arriving at the airport on time, like being heard.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

In stereo



guy and i have two sets of wireless speakers to accompany our little itunes setups on our laptops. it's all very future. the speakers had to be named so we could choose which ones to use from the computer. we named them after two of my cats.

the upstairs are named for syd, who is dead. the downstairs are named for clementine, who is not.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Extinct

i saw my step-grandfather this past weekend. he made me sad, and kind of grossed out. he used to be a real asshole to his grandkids when we were little. i am the oldest and only one who really picked up on it. he was the kind of asshole you might hear talking badly, berating some kid, who'd you want to jerk the kid away from and save. now, he's 94 and totally about to bite it. i stopped talking to him about 20 years ago. maybe i've said 10 words since then. he has dementia now and is going to have surgery on his prostate soon. basically we all got together because no one thinks he's going to make it. i didn't plan on being there, but i was surprisingly in town and decided to pay a pre-wedding PR visit to my equally distant aunt and uncle.

(wind blowing through a tunnel)


he didn't recognize me. well, at first when i walked in, his nose was bleeding. my aunt stood over him holding a bloody cloth to his nose and his head was bent over backwards at a right angle. when the bleeding stopped he straightened his head and looked straight at me. i could see he didn't recognize me. guy started to introduce himself when i stepped in to do it. "this is my fiance, grandpa." he shook guy's hand and kept staring at me. his head had disappeared into his neck and his skin was stark white and flaky. his lips were pressed together and he was breathing really heavily, but only out his nose, so it was loud. his blue eyes had a white, ghostly apparition just covering the pupils. he stared at me, and i squirmed. i got sort of a sexual feeling from him that made me fidgety and unbearably self-conscious.

he sat there with a barber's "cloak" (what are those called?) on, and tiny whisps of silver hair on his shoulders. i thought to myself, "it looks like he's getting a haircut." but with a colostomy bag hanging next to him and dried blood on his face, something weirder seemed more likely.

once my aunt returned from picking up pizzas for the small gathering of 9, she stepped up behind grandpa with scissors and resumed cutting tiny gray whisps. i watched her hands lovingly stroke the top of his bald white head and wondered about how she had loved him her whole life. there was a favorite story that went around the family forever. once, when she was a little girl, and she did something bad, her mother ordered her father to take her into the bedroom and give her a spanking, just like he did for my dad and his brother. what really happened though, was my grandfather spanking the bed while telling my aunt to pretend to cry and scream out, thereby effectively tricking the family into thinking she was getting spanked.

(dead hair)

the worst part of the evening was when my mom suggested a photo be taken of the two of us. i smiled and nodded and sat next to him, his eyes never leaving me. by this time, my mom had caught him up on who i was, asking him, "Do you remember Lou, my daughter? this is her." he said as enthusiastically as possible..."ohh, yes." and i guess he did. after the picture was taken, i nervously kissed him on the cheek because that's what i would have done to my beloved grandaddy in his day. afterwards, this grandpa proclaimed loudly, in a flat, deaf voice, "NOW I LIKE THAT."

i couldn't stop looking at his pasty, one-dimensional white skin. eye contact was not an option. it reminded me of the space that hangs undefined between painful bursts of gas going through the large intestine.

i felt a little bit like i was being secretly molested because no one seem to notice the staring. but maybe it was something else freaking me out, and making me think it was a sexual vibe he was sending me, when he said post-photograph, "YOU SURE LOOK SWEET."

(climb the walls)

most of the evening he sat alone, in the shadows off the kitchen, with his barber's cloak still on, forgotten, left out of conversation. what was going through his mind then? all these alive people around him, my mom telling some story and wildly gesticulating with her back to him, everyone laughing. his head down.

as i spoke to my aunt, and she assured me that she would be at our wedding, i felt like i loved her, and felt good about being at the wince-worthy dinner. how weird. i mean, i've barely spoken to her for over a decade. she'd given me some hassles in my early years. now, her face has wrinkled considerably, and she seemed more human to me. her face-lift from 20 years ago...is like it never happened. my uncle acted like he was seeing a ghost when i put my arm around him and greeted him. he was always the only good one in the family. sticking up for us when the grandfather was mean, or my dad was over-disciplinary.

after a couple more bloody noses that no one ever explained, like it's part of having a prostate problem, guy and i left. guy said he felt privileged to bear witness to the family all together. like they will cease to exist in a few days, never to rise again.

in a way, he nailed it.

(extinct)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

No One Can Hear You Screaming Behind an HP Computer



this is what i wrote today, from scratch, for real, based on a 5-minute explanation of a new kind of ink, for HP. it's a two-week trip into brainiac hell. all i keep saying to myself is "10 days. ten days. only 1-0 days."

Product description
(short)
Competitively superior with unmatched versatility, reliability and print quality, this mid-priced, fire-retardant media also provides eco-minded cross-printing platform capabilities.

(medium)
Get superior versatility and worry-free reliability in this mid-priced, fire-retardant media. For effective production of above average print quality with true-to-life color, and optimal flexibility across HP non-aqueous printing platforms.

(extended medium)
Get superior versatility and worry-free reliability with the fire-retardant PVC Outdoor Front-Lit Scrim Banner. With an above average print quality and enhanced true-to-life color, this high-performance, mid-priced media is optimally compatible with non-aqueous printing platforms, therefore offering a competitive duality of flexibility and minimal eco-footprinting.

(words)
Versatile
Affordable/Quality
Reliable
Eco-minded

(phrases)
Achieve optimal versatility across print platforms
Lower costs on high-quality prints and still achieve true-to-life color
Benefit from the halo created by our differentiated system solution
Avoid solvents, yet maintain flexibility

Monday, September 17, 2007

Terry Gilliam's Beautified Post-Modern Blade Runner Wedding



pictured here is the main floral arrangement that will be used on the dining tables in our wedding. guy and i are really excited about them.

we are showcasing our friend's avant-garde found-metal lamps that he designs, on tables and in the corners, along with this floral arrangement style.

if the design theme of our wedding had a name, it would be:
Terry Gilliam's Beautified Post-Modern Blade Runner Wedding

Sports Bra



it's been a very long time since i had a reason to put on my sports bra. when i pulled it out of it's death grave and over my head last tuesday, it made creaking sounds.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The good, the bad (and the embarrassing)


this is the good part of my new diet.


this is the bad part:

Jesus Saves



guy stops car to help broken down bicyclist in hillsides of marin
i'm behind him in my car we decide to take bicyclist to the city
guy injures hand in process of putting seats down to make way for bike
it's swelling and turning speckly
he's yelling
it's getting serious
sweet south dakota dude feels terrible
you hurt yourself helping me! he says over and over
i am yelling Are You Ok? Are You Ok?
guy swarms in heat bending over and sideways
face scrunched, primordial roar comes out
AHHHFghhhEaoWWWAgahhHHH!
FUCK FUCK FUCK
i yell are you ok oh my god voice getting shrill
south dakota dude says i'm so sorry i'm so sorry
we figure out what to do
it's getting serious
south dakota dude drives guy's car to parking place
i drive guy in my car 80mph to hospital
guy writhes please don't crash he says
we arrive guy runs in
doctor says, yep, it's broken.

good samaritan gone bad?

(such a strange sequence of events does give me pause. i go back to my mom's religious thinking, the thinking that this happened for a reason, to keep us safe from something much worse down the road. i heard this kind of thinking my whole childhood. i think it's dangerously unrealistic, but i can't stop thinking that way sometimes. this is one of those times.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding"



guy's nephews are very well-behaved. they say "Thank You" "Please," and to trump all, upon my arrival both 9-year-old twins showed up in the living room and asked me if they could help carry my bags in.

i want a kid like this.

the please and thank you part isn't so hard. i was raised that way, and it's a matter of setting a standard and being consistent with it. i have no beef with the way my parents taught my sisters and me manners. i am so thankful for the manners i was taught. what i have issue with was how my parents dealt with discipline at the dinner table.

in this way we were raised in what might be typical for kids raised in the '70s: eat everything on your plate before you leave the table. we were even taught about the "clean plate club," which i thought was a real club all of my childhood, until i found out that it was a total farce, a total LIE not too many years later. but it wasn't just that, but we were forced to eat things that made us sick to our stomachs. for me, it was peas. i forced them down with a gag reflex that is unmatched to this day. it also made me develop a deep sense of hate, over what i now recognize is loss of self-esteem through feeling powerless. this technique taught my sister to be deceitful. she didn't get angry, she just lied. she put the food in her mouth and excused herself to the bathroom ("may i be excused?" - good manners), where she promptly deposited the food into the toilet. when my parents caught on to this, she started hiding the food in houseplants that happened to be nearby. this one no one at the table knew about somehow, until years later, when a load of rotting food was discovered in the hanging plant above her chair at the kitchen table.

as guy and i plan to have a kid, discipline is on my mind often, and how to do it differently from my parents, who i believe, were overly strict and whose discipline grew in me a tremendous amount of anger totally devoid of respect or understanding.

while on the east coast at the home of guy's sister and her two children, i noticed something interesting: a different way of teaching kids to eat what they may not like, but to eat what is good for them. every parent's goal, but these kids were somehow not angry, resentful or deceitful.

it was wednesday night and the whole family was over to celebrate mine and guy's birthdays. one of the twins reached for birthday cake when i heard, "No, J. you cannot have any cake because you did not eat your peas last night." J. looked sad, really disappointed, but said, "Ok." and that was it. there was no argument, no begging, no usual obnoxious kid reaction.

"how are these kids so well-behaved?" i thought. which i've actually thought on many occasions because they're just so damn good, and they're certainly not brainless twits. they are very smart, and very interested in the world.

a week later i'm still thinking about it.

i've thought that it's bad that kids should have to eat vegetables they don't like, and that maybe they can be taught that eating just the vegetables they like is fine. why make them eat things they hate? but i've kept going back to what guy's sister said about the cake and i realized something. they are being taught about actions and consequences in an important, yet benign way.

i want to ask her exactly what she said when they didn't want to eat their peas. it seems to me she is doing this right, but i have yet to find out exactly how she's doing it.

i just don't want to raise a demon kid. and i probably won't, but i also don't want to raise a kid the way i was raised in regards to food. god knows gen x didn't have it easy, based on our general eating disorder epidemic.

i'm not pregnant, and guy and i are years from this situation, but i am thinking everything through. i don't want to be caught off guard, and i want kids like guy's (and soon, my) nephews: polite, but not downtrodden, smart but not smart-ass, grounded, and not filled with a sense of powerlessness (me).

it's got to be crazy-difficult to raise a good human and i don't want to fuck it up.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

A+A Get Married

hectic maryland countryside family running around car exchanges dropping off picking up snacking snacking talking laughing. this family is full of go-getters and get-'er-dones.

it takes a village to make a wedding happen.

last night i had apocalyptic dreams.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

"Hey, wanna come stay in the Chanel Villa in Puerto Rico with us?"



ok, ok, i have to say, the above is really the best sentence of the day. it was spoken by guy's cousin who works for chanel. she's not a countergirl...she does something fancy and she asked us this question today on the beach.

we couldn't believe our ears.

aunt weezie started crying. aunt weezie adores guy.

the chanel villa? i can't find any pictures of it. except some taken by a family, seen above. this is happening mother's day weekend. guy and i already decided we'll have to find a way to get our moms there too.

do i deserve this? what the fuck is going on with all this good fortune?

i just nod and say "yes."

"Aunt Weezie With the 411 on Crab Cakes"



favorite sentence of the day. on my birthday.

pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty great day.

went down like this: beach for quick visit with the cousins. next, crazy beach bar for crazy strong ice slushie tropical drinks. further south, the best crab cake of my life, recommended by aunt w. unbelievable. love tasting the ocean. almost felt like i was tasting the entire life of the little crab i was eating. cold corona with lime. don't even like beer anymore and it was delicious. back to other recommended crazy beach bar for another super strong ice slushie tropical drink. fielded birthday calls. my dad sang happy birthday. a first. he sure is getting nicer in his old age.

back to guy's dad's house, inland. out to dinner for more crab cakes. these not so good. make me sick. only slightly barfy though. stay up way late with guy and guy's dad and guy's stepmom. funny guy, is guy's dad. guy's dad and stepmom are giving us a week for our honeymoon in one of their timeshare condos. looked up Fiji, Belize, Costa Rica, Thailand, Curacao, Tunisia. the timeshare thing is tricky. you "put in" a request and take whatever comes through. it's like the lottery. "where oh where might we have a honeymoon." can't even believe this is going to happen. can't even believe i have so much love with guy. guy's sister said this about getting married a second time: "There's a lot more love in the world than i ever gave it credit for."

like i said, explosive good times.
(i said explosive)

Monday, September 03, 2007

in the craw



guy and are on the atlantic ocean again, in ocean city, maryland. very similar to last year...sun, sand, cellulite. beer, friends, family. guy not wearing sunscreen, me getting slammed into the beach by ferocious waves when i turn my back.

guy's aunt w. has made a turkey and black forest ham, and just set it out on the counter for anyone to eat at any time. it's delicious, juicy, greasy, running down face yummy.

this morning we took a bike ride all the way from 78th street to Fenwick, which is just passed 149th. that's kind of a lot of blocks, comparative to nothing, but in second place would be walking 30+ blocks in manhattan with D. in 2001. the bike ride was truly fun, something i haven't done in god knows how many years. i felt wobbly at first. we had no idea we were riding with the wind all the blocks on the way, until we turned around and fought wind all the way home. fantastic.

tan. guy is super blonde. soon we take showers, wash the sand out of our craws, get in the car - me driving the rental V6, yay - and head to guy's dads house where we will overdrink, and crash out early for certain.

cheers.

ps. happy birthday to guy yesterday, happy birthday to me tomorrow. we are now 37. hmmm.