Friday, April 25, 2008

Paul Dano and Bunny Killer


dream 4/23: guy is having an affair with a woman named "Bunny Killer." in my dream, whoever tells me says, "don't laugh, but her name is Bunny Killer." i wake up thinking "Killer, Bunny" like how she'd be called in class during roll call.

last night guy tells me that's a euphemism for a positive pregnancy test in the, clearly, dark ages. i have never ever ever heard that before. WEIRD.

dream 4/22: pursued by a gang of teenagers (led by the guy who plays a preacher in There Will Be Blood). who put a bomb in my house. i evacuate my family (mom, sisters) and call the cops. while waiting for the cops, i see the leader across the street trying to do something else really really bad. i pull out my cameraphone to take a picture. he hears. we lock all doors and windows. call cops again. phone just rings and rings and rings. no cops answer. have to stop my sisters from going outside of the locked door.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Bye-Bye Facebook


count me DEACTIVATED you stupid piece of shit. i'm so serious. who, or what invented such a false bullshit fascist high-school-all-over-again internet commercial vehicle. i mean, really. i'm so happy that now i don't have to bitch about it anymore, i'm done. i hope my little cousin e. in louisiana will just write to me sometimes, and that my friend b., who's moving to south america and posted all the time, even though he's the only person who ever had a clue about what a pile of phony shit facebook is, will just keep in touch on a personal level.

the final straw? advertisements taking the name of my friend and posting their words with her name on my "wall." DONE. GLAD!! STUPID!!!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Singularity.


one word. WHOA.
really. am i catching on to something people have known about for some time?

a few thoughts.
why am i reminded of the Rapture?

jokes are coming to me...hold on...almost got one.

"take one step closer and i'll throw you into the heart of the singularity so fast, your eyeballs will pop out."

"i don't have to worry about dying before the singularity because I AM the singularity."

"i'm going to see The Singularity tonight at the fillmore."

i wonder if the singularity will first make it's appearance at devil's tower in wyoming.

holy crap.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Prime Time Punishment


when i was a kid i was grounded a lot. this meant no socializing whatsoever, not even at lunch. at lunch i was reprimanded to return home. at age 15, i was once grounded for three months - april, may, and yes, the first month of summer break. from my bedroom window i could hear football games floating over the atmosphere from my high school. that hurt. that was serious salt in my wounds. i also had two boy classmate neighbors, one on either side. when they were having parties, i'd sneak outside and watch/listen to them laugh and carry on through holes in the fence. seriously.

the funny thing about this pathetic story is some of the people i was overhearing in the backyards next door turned out to be my present-day best friends, and my ex-husband. and that's pretty cool.

i think of this as i sit at my kitchen counter in beautiful fairfax and hear football cheers floating just this way while i smoke fatties and do whatever i want.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Somebody's got a case of road rage


got yelled at today by a dickhead in a toyota pickup, "LEARN HOW TO DRIVE ASSHOLE!" he screamed at me. had something to do with my lane ending very abruptly and my immediate need to get in his lane.

the rage that filled me so intensely and so fast felt like an asteroid shooting through my body, burning everything in it's path. i was engorged with rage. i wasn't ready to kill, but i was ready to beat the living shit out of his car.

instead i got up out of my seat and with my roof down, turned around and blew him a big fat kiss.

i still wanted to flip him off. but i didn't.

this is called anger management.

("guess what fuckwad! i AM just learning how to drive!" is an example of something that should not be said.)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

sean and robin sittin' in a parking lot, k-i-s-s-i-n-g



last tuesday something funny happened in the parking lot at Woodlands.

Woodlands is this super amazing gourmet grocery store in Ross. I go every morning for Peet's coffee and my lunch. Whenever I'm in Ross, I think about Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, who live there with their kids. i love robin wright penn. she won my heart in M.Night Shyamalan's "Unbreakable."

Yesterday I read a review of Woodlands on Yelp that said Sean Penn shops there. But of course he does. It's incredible. Why would he go to Safeway in San Anselmo. Anyway, this morning I'm walking out, back to my car and I notice this Black Shelby Mustang that could only be described as "wikked." it's sitting parked in between two cars with two people in the front seats: a guy in the driver and a blonde woman in the passenger. It seems they're having a passionate conversation (a fight?) by the way the blonde woman's hair/back of head is flush with the window like she is facing the driver head on. I suddenly feel in my bones that this is the Penns. Unfortunately news is they divorced last December, so it kind of makes sense that they'd argue in a parked car at Woodlands. Anyway, I didn't know for sure until I got to work and looked it up: sure enough, Sean Penn drives a black Shelby Cobra Mustang.

UPDATE to this story. turns out sean and robin have gotten back together, and on the very day that i saw them. did i witness the actual reconciliation? maybe. that night they went to see Eddie Vedder at the Greek. sean got on stage and wished her a happy birthday. i hope so. that would be nice, because he's always seemed like such a jerk.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I heart Jemaine


Well, count me in. funny music rules.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Most Memorable Concerts #1-10



1. The Grateful Dead, Cal Expo June, 9 1990: 2 hits of acid and 2 unbelievable setlists played ferociously. Start at "China Cat" and don't look back. Afterwards c., boyfriend j. and i went to denny's tripping so hard we could barely walk. one of us went to the bathroom sometime before the food arrived, and came back in hysterics, "you've got to see this. the lobby is filled with excited deaf people. there's a lot of movement but no sound!" this was also the last show we saw with Brent Mydland as keyboardist. my friends and i found his songs trying, and we used to turn away when his songs came up. it was a time to smoke bowls and chitchat. when Brent committed suicide, he left a note about how he felt "extra" in the dead, like he was unwanted eveven though he'd played with the band for 20 years. He wrote about how he knew people "turned away" when he played. there are many things to say about that statement, but for now let's just say that the grateful dead were never the same amazing way again. Bruce Hornsby anyone? i also had to emancipate myself from my parents in order to go to this show. i did. i was 19. that's pretty landmark.


2. Pink Floyd, Oakland Coliseum Stadium, sometime in 1987: worked so hard all day at school trying to find a ride home from this show. i'd been looking forward to it and planned for it for months, but was now faced with transpo complications at the last minute. my typically-teenage selfish friends who don't have strict parents decided to stay overnight in Berkeley at some random person's apartment. naturally, this did not sit with my mom. i had to find a ride home or not go. not going was not an option. in the end i made it happen, but it was not easy. i talked to people i would never talk to all day long, like whoever was passing through the hall. i finally found some very kind nerdy boys from my class who agreed to meet me after the show and bring me home. NICE. after school my friends and i got in a beat-up peugeot 504 (it came equipped with a manazanita branch cleverly fashioned into a front bumper) and roared off very excited. our excitement didn't last long. about 10 miles later, the car went dead. we attempted to rent a car in Yountville but learned we were too young. then it started to rain. never could a show be so jeopardized and dearly desired as this one. i won't be telling my kids, "I hiked uphill in the snow at midnight to get to school on time." after the rental failure, we went back to the car, climbed in and tried to start it. it started right up! we silently creeped back on the freeway and never spoke once of how it was suddenly running, so as not to jinx. we arrived at the show only slightly late, running through the massive oakland coliseum parking lot in the rain, passing dudes with a nitrous tank in their van (the first time i ever heard the word "Nitrous.") as we reached the top of the nosebleed section that pops one out in sudden view, way up high, david gilmour started to sing and my heart broke into a thousand happy pieces. it was all so worth it. later, we found our seats and our neighbors passed us trash bags to wear as raingear, and a joint to serve as a lubricant. life was so sweet. after the show, the nerdy guys were totally reliably right where they said they'd be and the ride home in the cab of a truck with the two of them wasn't even that bad. This was one of the longest and most stressful days of my life with a – don't laugh – totally worthy payoff.

UPDATE: i recently re-met one of the "nerdy boys" – who made it possible for me to see pink floyd – at my 20th high school class reunion and thanked him again. he appreciated that.


3. The Breeders, GAMH, 1996: this is the story about arguing with Kim Deal (which i guess i haven't told on the Jones...) one thing i rarely mention is how amazing the show was before we met/argued with her. we were unusually thrashed from jumping around that hard because the music was THAT GOOD. sweat dripping down. tshirt sleeves rolled up. jeans rolled up. anything to get air on our guitar-heated bodies. it was incredibly satisfying. it was one of those nights i had to stay up smoking pot until 4am just to process it all.


4. Babes In Toyland, SF Parking Lot in SOMA, Summer 1994: i had just moved in to the tenderloin and my new best friend and neighbor told me about a show in a parking lot nearby (bryant and something?). of course i had to go. i barely knew who babes were, but the show was so powerful and loud and cool. no one beats kat bjelland at being the loudest, hardest rockin' female alive under 5'2". except maybe PJ Harvey. which reminds me...


5. PJ Harvey, Warfield, 1995: It was the To Bring You My Love tour and the first time i ever saw her live. i took my little sister who adored her. she was recovering from a very traumatic and painful experience at the time. and it was just as incredibly empowering for her to see PJ as I hoped it would be. little sister got the message. i saw it happen. it brought tears to my eyes to see her regain some of her self respect through polly as an example. i'll never forget Polly's big black hair and bright red lipstick.

6. Hole, Fillmore, November 1994: this is also a well-told story. truly one of the best nights of my life. who knew at the beginning of the night that d. and i would scale chainlink fences to get into a show we'd so looked forward to, but that had "surprisingly" sold out. who knew we'd also walk out with a plastic baby doll that courtney threw into the audience, and a kick-ass poster to commemorate it all. total price: FREE + one of the best stories of my life + wish fulfillment from scoring a gig as a music editor at a magazine because of that experience, and subsequent storytelling that serves as a portfolio piece to this day. it really does pay to break the law on a small scale.


7. Nirvana/Butthole Surfers, Oakland Coliseum Arena, New Year's Eve 1993: not much needs to be said here. obviously this was memorable. but i can say that i took 4 hits of LSD accidentally (thought it was 1 hit, but it was 4-way), could not see anything but simple geometric shapes the entire show, felt incredibly put-upon to witness kurt's verbal vomitting which gave way to my new theory about music and our responsibility towards how deep we go with it (kurt said stuff we had no right to hear, and by doing it anyway, he crossed an artistic line and became powerless. just an idea.) on the other hand, kurt was so amazing and stand-out because he did this. that part's no secret. PLUS, the butthole surfers were touring Independent Worm Saloon, one of their most vicious – and my favorite – albums ever. on an overhead screen surgery videos played while chainsaws screamed through speakers that were somehow behind the (incredibly loud) music. i had to become an inanimate object in my mind to deal with the overwhelming and questionable stimuli. i became a camera. i recorded the event this way, but had no need to process and understand, therefore successfully cordoning off my sanity into a place it could not be touched. WHEW! still, loved this show. LOVED IT! mind-expanding all the way.


8. PJ Harvey, Warfield, September 18, 2001: One week after 9/11. =she was touring "Stories From the City, Stories from the Sea" which is mostly about new york city and fear. there were fat tears running down my face the entire show. i have never been so touched by music in my entire life than this show. "This Mess We're In" still destroys me because of the experience. amazing, the music, the uncontrollable flow of emotion and fear, the kindness the people in the audience exhibited towards one another.


9. Butthole Surfers, GAMH, 2002: SO MUCH FUN. went with like 9 friends. we got a good spot in the balcony and ROCKED HARD the entire night. i went down on the floor during Get Down and slowly returned to the balcony afterwards. right as i climbed the south staircase they started I Saw an X-Ray of a Girl Passing Gas. with each step i took, there was a loud, hard BOOM BOOM BOOMBOOMBOOM. to this day whenever i hear the song i am instantly transported back to that moment on the stairs at that surfers show, instantly transported back to one of my favorites things in the whole world – ever.

10. Jerry Garcia Band, SDSU Open Air Theatre, 1988: this was the first time i ever laid eyes on deadheads. what are they doing with their one finger in the air? do they want LSD? where did they come from? why does everything feel so weird? what is going on here?! the whole experience was so brand new and bizarre, i loved it. i walked around in those knee-high woven hippie slippers like they were real shoes. i didn't have tickets, i was there to observe. after the show i snuck behind a fence with a friend of mine and hid behind a bush right at the very spot where jerry walked out to get on the bus. he paused for a moment right next to me unknowingly, and chatted with someone, then moved on. i did not know anything about deadheads, but i knew a lot about the merry pranksters and jerry and the high times that were had in the 60s. as he stood next to me, i soaked up his energy. it was musty just like you'd expect from someone full of history. i can still see his hair as a halo, backlit by a halogen. time stopped.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Injury Log #3


have had some very strange - possibly psychosomatic - maladies in the last two weeks.

1. for four days felt so unbelievably dizzy and nauseous, had to walk very slowly. did this while shopping last saturday with guy. happened at work. had to excuse myself to the bathroom the first time because a panic attack was triggered. controlled the panic attack, but still needed to be alone. upon getting up from my desk, my eyes knocked back in forth in their sockets. this has NEVER happened before (okay, except on LSD). thought i might be pregnant. considered not smoking. did. on sixth day felt feverish for 24 hours only. then again on tenth day. since, know i'm not pregnant, just a confirmed somatic.

2. cut on left thumb from placing thumb in direct path of knife blade and moving very quickly.

3. fingernail still ugly, growing back slowly. has one short hair stuck way down in it.

4. swallowed daytime pill at night instead of nighttime pills twice in one week. successfully threw up before it took effect both times. the mistake was committed with the same vigor as falling down stairs, and with possibly worse consequences.

5. note: either stop feet from smelling, or wear socks to pilates. whew!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

HALLELUJAH!!

tastes as good as a Pixies show, lasts longer:

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Club Blik


blik graphics makes really great designer stickers for your wall. and now car. super fun. guy and i put up the eames circles in the city house.

go ahead and design your own "ride."
here's mine.

SHUT-ER DOWN!


sometimes it's hard to stop. sometimes it's hard to SHUT-ER DOWN! (the celebrity stoners news blog) (the story about kate hudson that got me thinking about the FTS in GGP 12 years ago) (letterstomarcjacobs) (twitter) (excessive blood flow to my face area due to meds).

introducing SHUT-ER DOWN! a blog commemorating things that need to be forgotten.

"i'm tired. i'm going to bed. will you shut-er down?"

she needs to come with a button that will SHUT-ER DOWN!

Watership Down or SHUT-ER DOWN!

High Times With Kate Hudson


this sure is gonna be fun. just found it. it's like High Times but about high celebrities instead of high hippies. one of today's entries reminds me of when that day backstage at the Tibetan Freedom Concert in GGP in 1996. she wasn't acting yet. she was just 16. i remember it vividly because she is possibly the most beautiful-looking person i have ever seen. no pictures, not even movies, do her justice. it's crazy.

so. blogs. been enjoying them a great deal lately. the arsenal against boredom is bulking up. blogs mean you don't have to flip through 125 pages of uninteresting stuff to find the 1400 words that are actually compelling. been collecting a little list of blogs that are fantastic reading, very specific to interests, and it's becoming clear that re-subscribing to Esquire, the best mag out there for men AND women (who like sort-of guy stuff), might not be necessary.

now if only klosterman had a blog...

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

like kind


just doing a little handbag research this evening and i found this intriguing blog (and it's offspring). an inspired idea. in fact i'm kind of stunned.

(and if that wasn't enough, i found this, below.)