Heathen

just killed a spider with a copy of siddhartha.

it's the season of little yellow spiders building their homes across doorways.

i could have grabbed Catch-22, but sure failure came to mind.

Evil Food

We ate evil food. Whether or not that is the reason behind my and guy’s night filled with mares isn’t of much consequence. It happened at a super fancy dinner for guy’s mom in Smalltown outside of Baltimore City. She’s turning 60 and we surprised her with our exquisite presence from across the country.

And then we ate foie gras.

Guy flashed me a look when he thought I was going to say too much about foie gras in the presence of his 10-yr-old nephews. “Well, maybe it’s ok to try it, even though it’s very very bad…” (flash look) and I stopped.

Neither of us had ever had it, and we ordered. Thank god I don’t know how much it cost. I don’t want to know how much money eating evil food, food begat by evil means costs…and later that night, the nightmares came. They were about cheating and being cheated, about being hunted for no discernible reason, about an evil force that I couldn’t see or find, or get anyone to listen to me about, about a good friend peeing all over my bed and on my walls, about ominous notes that made no sense on my walls and in my books, about my favorite things being stolen and I don’t even realize it until later when it’s too late to find a source. Guy dreamed of being responsible for a huge gaggle of cats having their skeletons on the outsides of their bodies and the choices concerning them he would have to make. It was horrible it was horrible, he repeated.

When morning woke me up, guy had risen and opened the bedroom door. “Where are you going?” I asked him. “Downstairs.” In my mind, in the swirl of sleep mixing with awake, I didn’t know my dreams were just dreams yet. I felt angry and sad and sick to my stomach. Then guy returned. He laid next to me and I realized they were nightmares. We told each other of our horrendous night.

Whatever that foie gras costs, we paid for it in our sleep. Evil food begat by evil means. We will never do it again.

Tasted kind of good though.

Artist Joke

Coach Joke

Divorce Joke

Smoking Joke

Poetry Youth

there's a contest going on right now: write a haiku about sonic youth and win their (supposedly) excellent new biography.

my entry:

chaos freedom found
guitars build my room of sound
peace cocoon, lay down

UPDATE: I won!!!

Google "god"

while trying to find articles about the LHC and what scientists hope to find when they turn it on in September ("Not only would we learn things about gravity and the fabric of space-time, but we would apparently have direct evidence for extra dimensions of space...)

...i came across some interesting ideas people have about god.


Rocker Beliefs



The Rapture Beliefs That Tortured Me As A Child


Beliefs of the Barely Literate


Naturalist Beliefs


Idiot Beliefs


"I don't think you order suiciders to kill innocent men, women, and children if you're a religious person." George W., Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, Jul. 14, 2004

Psychedelic Beliefs


what i hope happens when the LHC is turned on, is that we do find proof of other dimensions previously unknown, and we do see a new way to think and imagine that will lead us to huge answers very suddenly the way important answers happen and that maybe by duplicating what the world was like seconds after the Big Bang, we will begin to understand where we're headed and what came before which could, maybe, in my wildest dreams ever...maybe just maybe maybe maybe help us to begin to understand the slightest tiniest most-hairline birth of new ideas about what happens to people after they die. even if it's nothing.

maybe.

Plastic Surgery Fantasy

if i had plastic surgery i would get this:

when i told guy, he said it's a good thing i sleep on the left side of the bed.

Dying Wish

if i had one last dying wish, like god came down from the sky and said, Just name it and it's done, i would have a very very hard time choosing between two things.

1. ending the torture of animals through testing and inhumane conditions and getting killed in the road
or
2. having the complete and utter ability to pick up a guitar and play Jesus Built My Hotrod at ear-bleeding volume.

i don't know if i could be trusted to save the animals.

4 memories, 3 years (1973-1976)

The opposite is the answer


she was 6 years old and sitting on the brown and orange varigated shag carpet on the top floor of her family's 1973 split-level. she was near the front windows when she suddenly looked up towards the sliding glass doors and out to the vast omaha plains beyond when she had the thought. it felt exciting like a solution to a long-old problem; a secret discovered suddenly and without warning. like something the adults don't tell you because they don't get that you don't know stuff like that. the kind of thing kids have to figure out on their own.

"if i say no every time i think yes, and yes every time i think no, then i'll always be right. that's how it works."

and then she looked back down at the shag rug that she sometimes braided, and wondered if that's the kind of thing the sky (god, whatever) does that she doesn't know or understand anything about yet. had she figured it out? is this how it works? is this the missing puzzle piece to never being wrong? she always seemed to be wrong and she hated it.

it could really work, she thought and paused, filling with anxiety at the scope of controlling her mouth that much, "i hope i can do this."


Splatter Thighs


one of the first times she ever peed on the toilet, her mom was there. when she was done, mom pointed to the splatter that had collected on her tiny little thighs. she looked down. "well, what's that? why would that happen? were you sitting straight? that doesn't happen to me." her mom left the room and she was left looking for an answer. she stared at the light brown thighs that she loved and wondered what horrible messy thing could be wrong with her body. how could there be a screw up? this really doesn't happen to mommy? no matter how much she tried, she could never pee without making splatters on her thighs. i must be crooked somewhere in there, she worried, but which part?


Yuck Touch


she could not bear to have her wet feet touch the synthetic carpet. other objects that her wet feet touched changed when the moisture was added. the brown and orange shag carpet remained exactly the same as did the moisture on her feet. this was icky to her. there was something wrong with this equation, she felt. she would not leave the bathroom until her feet were completely and utterly dry from the cotton tub mat she stood upon like an island that kept her safe from yuck touch.


Fear at Four


her eyes scanned all four corners of her bedroom right where the walls met the ceiling in her house in omaha. 1, 2, 3, 4. start again. 1, 2, 3, 4. start again. 1, 2, 3, 4. it could happen at any time. tornados often arrive with very little warning. the man down the street who sat on his roof to watch a far away tornado couldn't make it down in time and he died. the tornado picked him up and took him somewhere that no one knows. this could happen to her house, so she watched to make sure. 1, 2, 3, 4. start again. 1, 2, 3, 4. start again. 1, 2, 3, 4. start again. 1, 2, 3, 4. she would see a crack form if the tornado came, and then she could scream for her mom and baby sisters to get downstairs into the little room under the stairs. she was worried that it would take them too long to remove all the boxes stored in the little room. they would need as much time as possible, so she kept watch. 1, 2, 3, 4. start again. 1, 2, 3, 4...

Steroid Chair

a new creation from my work that is perhaps a little over the top.

The Outsiders inside there

i stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of my office building and only one thing came into my head: the first line of The Outsiders, my favorite book in the 6th grade.

the first line, as i remember it, is thus:

"I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house with only two things on my mind: James Dean and a ride home.

nice.

One easy way to make someone you love feel good

and it's not sex.

it's easy to make a list. everyone does it all the time. why not make a list about someone you love and send it to them?

the list can take many forms, like a "pro" list without the "con" part.

maybe make it more intense. for instance guy and i did not call his dads on father's day and we should have. guy thought it was unnecessary, i believed him because i have never called either of my dads on father's day. they simply were not fathers to me and turthfully don't care (for real). his dads have been deserving and did miss it. they have been so good to me. LAME. so, we will send a list that starts like: "i stupidly didn't call you on father's day, but what i would have wanted to say is..." or "i didn't call you on father's day, but that doesn't mean i don't greatly appreciate..." or "even though i didn't call you on father's day, i want to tell you how much you have meant to me when you..." or "i'm an idiot and didn't call you on father's day, but i'd like to thank you for..."

i filled out a very serious referral for family of mine who want to adopt. the questions asked of me: describe the adoptive parents' personalities, would i let them watch my kids, describe the adoptive parents' marriage and describe if an additional baby would stress them out. describe why they are good or not good with kids, to name a few. it touched them so much...they were very affected. guy said that's because they aren't told that stuff ever. my response? no one ever is, which is why it is such a nice thing to do.

write to someone you love, or just like, or just want to be supportive of. use a list format, come up with a simple beginning that's honest and off you go making someone feel fantastic. maybe it's about the first time you met them and every memory you can come up with from that time. it's so easy. and so rewarding when you hear of how great they feel from reading your words, how grateful they are for your insight into them. it's kind of like a euphoric bounceoff*. give it, receive it.

it's better than anything you can buy. seriously.

for motivation i think of the great philosopher, derek zoolander.

"DO it."


* a euphoric bounceoff is a wonderful feeling you get when you're hanging out with a friend, or several and you make each other laugh and put out a lot of energy and get a lot back. like being high off friendship.

Strong Tongue

Strong Tongue is the name of my imaginary restaurant where i cook and serve food that is full of very strong flavors all at once.

examples are:
1. Bacon Prawn Blue Cheese Saute with caramelized yellow onions, shallots and garlic
2. Balsamic Tomatoes with garlic, freshly torn basil and sea salt
3. Steak Bagel with 2-day marinated teriyaki steak and cream cheese/cotswald green onion shmear

it's like The Stinking Rose, but with more stink.