Friday, March 27, 2009

You can't keep a good girl down (especially one with authority issues)



i have been put in lockdown at work. i have been told that as a freelancer, exclusively, i am no longer allowed online except between the hours of noon and 1pm, "the typical lunch hour, so nothing will be misconstrued by those who walk past you."

i have been told that when there are lulls - as is the nature of catalog production they can last for days - i should flip through catalogs! that I MADE and know INTIMATELY.

this is severely limiting my Jones writing and my research into everything i love which gives me ideas for the Jones.
this is making me behave as a child (passive aggressive) since i'm being treated as one.
this has me back on the road to finding my own company and work so i can be done with this office bullshit.

this has me, you guessed it, going back to work on the hole behind rita hayworth's head. bit by bit, i'll find a way out of this prison.

digging.

(when i called my agent at the placement office which got me an interview here, and told him what has transpired, he begged me to hang on and gave me a raise.)


dig.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Let's Talk About Cars: The Future



if guy and i still lived in the city, i would seriously consider buying a nano car, an electric out of India. this thing is tiny and cooler looking than the SmartCar. Plus the Nano costs less - $2200 - than those bike-riding fools in my hometown spend on their fancy mountain bikes. this is mostly a city car though as it only goes to 65mph and that's too slow for me on the freeway. i'd go bonkers.



the STERLING is my new DeLorean, or Awesome Future Car. can you even believe this car actually really functions like this? wouldn't it be fun to take it x-country and pull up to a gas station in the sticks somewhere?they would think we were space aliens. we might get shot. that's cool. not only that, but you can build your own Sterling with a KIT. funny scenario for a movie: the bad guy is driving his super speedy Sterling to a robbery, but the roof takes 8 seconds to raise and lower. he gets to the bank, robs it and then runs out to his car. then realizes he has driven the wrong car to the robbery - cops are running for him and he's waiting for his roof/door to open for what seems an eternity. then he gets in...and waits 8 painful seconds for the door to close. tick tick tick tick. he looks around nervously and just hates himself for such a stupid fuckup. he's busted. for being fancy. hilarious.

Monday, March 23, 2009

LoozyJones' Big Fat Diet



my friends have asked me to write down what i ate and did not eat to successfully lose 25-30Lbs last year (dropped 2 sizes) in 2.5-3 months. i have finally done it.

* major disclaimer: i am not a doctor or a nutrionist, just a person who pays attention and is good with numbers. and reads a lot. and remembers everything.


so, here it is:

LoozyJones' Big Fat Diet

Breakfast
1. handful of cherry tomatoes and two string cheeses
2. spoonful of eggs from whole foods (or similar fancy store with pre-made fresh, organic food). if the eggs have ham or bacon in them, fine, but limit getting extra slices of bacon with it.
3. couple slices of steak from whole foods.
4. breakfast burrito. open that mother up and eat everything inside but not the tortilla.
5. two hard-boiled eggs with salt and pepper (the best choice of all)

Lunch
- no matter what, drink a kombucha with lunch every day. try gingerberry or strawberry first. most accessible. they are 3g and 4g sugar each serving, each kombucha is two servings so that's your limit. the other flavors, like guava tend to be 9g per serving, doubling your limit. NO!

1. piece of salmon. get one big enough b/c that's all you get. or get a side salad if you want to go with.
2. chicken salads of any kind, get a 1/2 pint (this is less than half a pound - i didn't know that, had to ask and the grocer made fun of me, so now you know).
3. steak salad of any kind - if you're eating it over greens, make sure dressing is under 9grams of sugar per serving if possible. if it's plain balsamic then you're good to go. extra tasty if you have blue cheese and balsamic onions in it too.
4. shrimp salad. one pint.
5. handful of grilled shrimps and a salad.

Dinner
- simple. meat and salad or meat and veggie.

1. steak every now and then is alright in all of its forms. if you marinate though, be aware you're injecting sugar, so marinating should be a special occasion. use a rub like McCormick's Monterey Steak instead.
2. chicken. for some reason, even marinating chicken seems to be ok, maybe because the calories are so low for chicken. i use soy vey. or just lemon and red onion, salt and pepper.
3. tilapia fish is really easy to cook in the skillet. season with whatever smells good to you. i use 21 seasoning from trader's and salt and pepper. it's filling too - firm fish is more filling - and more affordable than other fish. combine with steamed broccoli.
4. pork chops. season however you want. really low cal and easy to cook.
5. saute shrimp with the shallot/onion combo, mix in a tiny bit of garlic aioli, s-n-p, and dill. put on top of greens that are already mixed with balsamic dressing. the shrimp is also super delicious piled on top of a splayed avocado.
*make double of everything and you have lunch for the next day...

NOTE: i usually cook any kind of meat, depending on thickness at 375 for 20 minutes, check it and put in for 4-5 more minutes if you need to.

Sides for Dinner:
1. steamed broccoli, use sauce from meat dish as seasoning or s-n-p. you can use any vegetable really...i only mention asparagus and broccoli because that's all i like.
2. get skinny asparagus and season with above 21 seasoning and s-n-p and flip it around in your skillet for a while. get it a bit crispy. yum. if all you can find is fat asparagus, then steam it first, then flip it around in a skillet to get crispy.
3. saute in butter: mushrooms, shallots, red onion, a dash of balsamic, chopped garlic and salt and pepper. YUM. it takes a while for this stuff to cook down nice and soft so you can kind of start it at the same time as your meat dish. i'll eat this side dish next to my salad and meat and mix them a little together. it's so good.
4. tomato salad. cut up cherry tomatoes and mix with hand-torn fresh basil, a bit of chopped garlic, olive oil drizzled over it and balsamic dashed over it. let it sit a bit, it will get tastier. goes great with salmon.
5. greens out of the bag with your favorite dressing as long as the sugar content is under 9g per serving.

when you're eating, notice if you go slow enough and find you're not hungry anymore at a certain point, throw that shit away. don't feel bad about waste, it's your HEALTH that's important. the second it crosses your mind to throw it away, make your hand do it. don't sit here like i am right now, going, "oh but my breakfast is soooo good!" THROW IT OUT.

DANGER:

1. bread - it HAS to be multigrain or Lo-Carb Rye which is even better and seems to be everywhere. i've even noticed some light ryes have less carbs than multi-grain. i've also found Lo-Carb tortillas taste pretty much the same as regular.
2. sugar - buy a PIECE. this you can also find at specialty stores. no whole candy bar, no bag of candy, nothin like that. a PIECE. if someone brings cookies in to work and you can't say no, eat a PIECE.
3. chinese chicken salad - seems innocent but is loaded with sugar normally. i ate these every day forever and just got fatter and couldn't figure it out.

good complex carbs:

oranges
bad complex carbs:
bananas. pineapple. carrots. even some complex carbs are too high in sugar at the beginning of a diet.

snacks:

pickles
garlic-stuffed olives (the garlic makes them actually healthy)
string cheese
pistachios (the best nut because you spend half the time opening the shell)
almonds

EXCEPTIONS:

wine at night, but only a couple glasses. sugar in your coffee in the morning.

HOME FREE:

after you've lost the weight, you'll notice that now you can eat sugar sometimes or even pig out on pizza over the weekend and it won't mess you up. you'll maintain your weight. this is because your metabolism is faster now and burning that crap off. just don't go too far or you'll lose it. i once followed this same diet a few years ago and lost 30Lbs. and gained it all back because i too frequently started eating the bad stuff. it can sneak up on you. sugar is a drug. the more you take, the more you'll want. but it's delicious, so let yourself have some every now and then.

WATER: you have to drink a lot of water. A LOT. like 65ozs a day. do it.

if you find motivation problems, look at the picture above, visualize yourself slimmer and slimmer and how you don't want to mess it up and above all don't put stuff in front of yourself that you can't have. don't walk by the donuts in the store. don't do it. don't eat office cake. sing happy birthday and get the hell out. it works. this way, you don't even have to have much will power to lose weight. god knows i don't have ANY.

xo

Friday, March 20, 2009

"The Future...it is MURDER*"



i hate this mentality above, and i'm sick of it. "followers"? really? that's the best...word?

*leonard cohen, who you can see live for the first time in years if you can afford a base price of $66 per ticket, not including fees.

bleh! nowadays? shahhhh...

"There Were No Good Old Days"


found this great image today. hilarious blog by the way.

Spike's new Jonze


hyperventilating.
very excited. that space between "there's" and "one" is so perfect i could cry.
getting that krazee-eyez killah feeling.

what great art can do to you.
thank you spike jonze.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Notes on a meeting #5



my editorial director had a question for me. she came to my desk, i said, Let me look at my notes, and i pulled this out. she said, "Well that's a sign of a creative mind! ha ha ha!"

i then told her that it has been scientifically proven that drawing during class or meetings or seminars actually makes you remember more than those who are not drawing.
(can't find that link right now. take my word for it.)

she had no opposing opinion.

i really like the circles i drew on this one.
and the finger.

Lar-ry Da-vid - are you on TWITTER??


can't ya just hear wanda sykes saying that. it's true though! my days just got a lot funnier. god, twitter is so much fun. it's not social networking unless you want it to be.

i just get witty one-liners that make me laugh out loud. creative ideas and such. funny shit.

who doesn't need that?

and now LARRY DAVID, you're on TWITTER??? is the twitter du jour. HI-larious.

some samples:

"Again, this thing is asking me what I'm doing. I'm sitting here in front of a computer. What else would I be doing? Playing tennis?"

"I'll just keep myself amused. How about that, Twitter? Maybe I'll change my picture to give me a full head of hair. I can do that, you know."

"So, I've been sitting here for 10 minutes. No one has said anything. Is this supposed to do something? Did I break The Twitter?:

Monday, March 16, 2009

Punk-Ass Art



what would it take, she wonders really looking for a distraction, to obtain one of these drawings by gibby haynes. she realizes she could call and find out, but that would require using the phone. and while she loves her iphone, she still has phone-anxiety. eh, she thinks. i'll just post about it. throw it in the growing heap of dead dreams.



anyone in LA, however, should head on over to the Robert Berman Gallery and check these radical arts out.

she said.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Injury Log #12



there's something very comforting about being in a hospital room. in all reality, it's the least likely place you will die. not the guy down the hall post-quad bypass, but you, just you, fairly healthy, just injured.

you will most likely not die in a hospital room than anywhere else in your life.

the Main Element being oxygen. oxygen is kept in hospitals. the hospital is oxygen's home. with oxygen nearby, there's almost nothing that can kill you, the fairly healthy, just-injured person.

oxygen = life. not death. how glorious to be in its presence.

i laid in the hospital bed doing nothing for 4.5 hours. they would not give me medication because i would be driving myself home. and who knew when that would be. my body and head hurt utterly and completely, but my mind was gone. gently, softly, absent in a catatonic kind of way. my arms hurt too much to hold up reading material or my iphone. i simply sat/laid down and stared. and was aware of it. and stared. i felt nothing. like michael myers in Halloween. the way he walks down the street with one swift single-minded motion while no expression crosses his face. ever. nothing. a mask. staring.

the night before i had taken a major fall, slipping on a slippery rug on wood floors while walking with intense purpose towards the bathroom, wine glass in hand, angry words spewing forth in an argument with guy. and then SLAM. i felt my chin hit the ground and sharp, bright points of pain and light flutter through the upper right side of my brain. it took me a while to unfold myself. with each move i had to be careful that i wasn't moving something terribly broken or twisted. when i unfurled, tears came.

falling can be so humiliating on such a deep level.

diagnosis: slight concussion with contusion on lower mandible. over-extended right wrist and contusion on lower left knee. "we haven't had to take one of these x-rays in quite some time" the old nurse told the young one.

this hospital-comfort-feeling just may become my new "safe place." people there are paid to take care of you. it's pretty guaranteed that you'll be nurtured.

a revelation.

call in sick

working on important new cd design project. problem is my state of mind is so toxic, the images i'm turning out are horribly depressing and weird.

not exactly the tone of the music.

it's like i have to call in sick.

but can't.

how to trick my creative mind not to listen to itself...yet, still make something.

My Wonderful Weekend

a hospital visit for a bad fall while fighting with guy.


broken sunglasses. lost eyesight. lost my way. same thing.


over-ripe vegetables. money ill-spent. rotten insides. etc.


the weekend i didn't have.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Notes on a Meeting #4



this is a note i took while listening to my friend tell me when a good time is to call her.

it's pretty classic for a mom of two young ones.


(the marks around the edge existed before. that's my measuring technique for determining how much copy will fit into certain spaces in the catalog i copyedit.)

Happiness, loyalty, oblivion and unconditional love



can't stop thinking about this girl. this dog, ruby. look at that face! she's half-cart and she's got that happy happy happy face.

something is stirring in me. it may be that this is what i strive for every day and pretty much never achieve. happiness, loyalty, oblivion and unconditional love.

through serious adversity.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Complimentary, my dear Watson


the best compliments i ever got.

1. "you're underrated and perfect." - classmate in response to one of my improv sketches in college.

2. "it's really really good. it's a beautiful piece of art." - guy, in response to a photo i've taken.

3. "it's art. it's not just an attempt at art." - my ex-husband, in response to my new painting.

4. "i can't wait to read what you'll write next!" - many friends. and, like wow.

it seems fair to say i've got it pretty good. must remind myself of this. our friends are a mirror. they show us what we look like. my friends are so talented and kind and broad-scoped and widespread and gifted! it's hard for me to believe they'd "belong to a club that has me as a member*."


what are your best compliments? that you can remember? everyone has them. it's important to remember.


*woody.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Facebook...ok, it succeeds at something

it's known that i hate facebook. the reasons are too numerous and overwrought on this site.

but i have to admit, i just found an old friend (12.5) years approximately lost, by googling her name and her facebook profile showing up.

she's on imdb.com but who cares when there has been no activity in the last 9 years. i'm on imdb.com as well, but way more recent than her hollywood departure.

we just talked for a long while. she has two kids, moved to the midwest and works as a catalog stylist. i'm a catalog copyeditor and writer. interesting.

we both only wanted to find each other out of several people, several friends from that time. and it finally happened. fortunately she has an unusual name, whereas not only was my college name totally common, but i've had three names since then.

what a trip. goddammit facebook helped me find her. fuck you facebook and thanks for helping me findmy friend from so long ago.

i hate you and i owe you.

No green = Green!


the Apprentice is a show i have never watched before. why would i when On Demand cable with HBO was an option. the Apprentice is on one of those low-number channels. 4? 7? the smaller the number, the worse the shows. it's true.

times definitely are a'changin' (and i swear i'm listening to dylan as i write this) and guy and i had to get rid of our privileged On Demand cable with HBO and now live in television-land reminiscent of the '80s, minus all the cool late night movies and shows that existed then (gone are alternative local channels 44 & 50 which aired Night Flight).

we're downsizing in this house. cable's gone ($170/mo) my blonde hair is gone ($100/mo)...i guess we're just sick and tired of living paycheck to paycheck STILL even though we now bring in four times more than we did four years ago.

THAT said...
we're now watching the Apprentice because TOM GREEN is on it!!!! it's like we've been rewarded for being frugal-ish and have been given something alternative in the homogenized world of the low-number channels.

i haven't written much about Tom Green on the Jones, but that doesn't mean i don't still love him dearly. i miss his show. all of them. Freddy Got Fingered is one of the few DVDs i kept after having to sell my collection.

MY PREDICTION: Tom Green is going to win the Apprentice. watch him on the show. he's smart and as an actor, has well-controlled reactions that won't take him down like they so often do (andrew dice clay - "i told 'em how i feel 'bout makin' cupcakes") with others. then hopefully someone will put him in movies again (simple things like Road Trip). he's just too damn funny to be working behind the scenes as a contributor for the Tonight Show ever since his own talk show was canceled.

this is good news for the recession. the fact that i just said that is sad. really scrapin' the bottom here.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

A Dreamy Texas Nightmare Come True


congratulations to my friends over at 4321films.com.

these guys have done nothing but follow a compelling urge to be gross and funny and film it.

and now they're introducing their story of "gut-wrenching horror" at a festival in Texas, the scariest of all the states! ahhhhhhhhh!!

nice work lunatic fringe.
xo