Urban Dictionary Word of the Day: 10/19

This week's winner goes to:

Sneeze Freeze

The frozen and contorted, usually mildly retarded looking, facial expression one makes for a few seconds before they let out a sneeze or when experiencing a "Sneezus Interruptus".

Bob: You were going to sneeze but it got away, huh?
Dave: How did you know?
Bob: I saw your sneeze freeze.

David Cross in the house!

Ever notice that Mr. Potato Head and David Cross share similar features?

Square Peg, Square Hole

To my daughter,
This is my case in point. My case for doing what you want and not listening to anyone else. From the mind of the great Tom Waits.

"In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, 'Look at me… I’m tall, and I’m straight, and I’m handsome. Look at you… you’re all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you.' And they grew up in that forest together.
And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, 'Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest.' So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.’”

Because my darling, you are a crooked tree. Crooked trees are born of two crooked trees and that my dear, is your heritage. Be grateful. No one can even see straight trees because there are so many, and they are meant for ordinary tasks.
xo

Note to a Baby: How to be your boss's favorite (without kissing ass)

 

1. Be cool: Say Hi, say Bye. Smile for real. You’re done.
2. _{Drop a note saying something nice to them out of the blue. Don’t go on and on. You're just mentioning something you noticed that's awesome.}
3. _{Jump to if you overhear they need help with something, even if it’s not your department. Don't overstate your abilities, just make it happen.}
4. _{Use your particular} set of skills to make their life easier.
5. Never apologize, just tell them their message has been heard.
6. _{Be hip but not a hipster. Hip people start reading a wide} range of periodicals at age 12, hipsters start at age 20. The point is you want to have something interesting to say about everything. And as far back as you can remember (age 12 should do it), so your words are relevant to their life.
7. Ass kissers are transparent. If there is one around you, just wait. They'll be discovered soon enough.
8. If you're a rock star, ignore all of this.

Happy Birthday, John

Every year on October 9, I take a moment to think about my hero from Liverpool. There's only one.

He was a soldier for peace. He was very funny. He wrote beautiful songs that were sometimes ugly. He was a truth-teller, a shit-stirrer. He beat The Man in front of The Supreme Court. He was a poet. He was a humble egotist. He admitted his wrongs. He followed his ideas unconditionally.


Happy 72nd Birthday, Mr. Lennon, wherever you are.

Math tears

I knew a girl in junior high who cried over every math assignment. Right in class. On the way to her mom's car after school. In her room before we could hang out. At night before bed.

And who can blame her.

Word Humor

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Dear Word Lovers,

To get a laugh today, check out Urban Dictionary’s Word of the Day.

Example 1:

WFIO September 26

A business acronym standing for "We're fucked it's over".

Dear shareholders,

WFIO.

Yours Truly,
John Smith
Acme Inc.

Example 2:

glutard October 2

One who does not possess the enzymes necessary to digest gluten, a main ingredient in wheat products. One who is "glutarded" must only eat gluten-free foods, such as water, tofu, and air.

"Hey, do you want some pasta for dinner?"

"No, sorry, I'm a glutard."

Because we all need a little word humor in our lives.

Marriage Proposal

Note to a Baby

Rx is a toddler, my toddler. She came out of my body. So, I know this. I think all the time, What if I die and Rx is dependent on learning from other people? It's kind of horrifying. So, I've been writing her notes in case I'm not around when she's wondering about stuff. This is one of those notes:

1.     DO go to college if only so you know what it’s like so you can talk about it later with educated people – but also because it’s really fun. Getting a degree is overrated if you have talent. And you do. Take the money you’d spend getting a degree and move to Europe to study your art there (whatever that art is) – by this I mean, spend that money on rent and make your art all day, maybe take a class here or there. That’s better than a college education and costs a fraction of the cash.

2.     Educate yourself. If you have a question, there is no excuse for not finding an answer. Look it up. Too many people say, “I didn’t know, so I didn’t do anything.” This will cause them a lot of problems later on, but it will be so much further down the road, they’ll never figure out what went wrong. That kinda thing snowballs and then causes craziness. Craziness hurts.

3.     Life DOES happen. I didn’t think it would. Neither did your dad. We thought growing up wouldn’t happen, I guess, so we made some dumb choices, like smoking cigarettes. But we made some good choices, like EDUCATE YOURSELF and USE YOUR TALENT. Doing those two things has put us in a position to work at jobs we like. You will have to work one day and doing something you hate won’t cut it for you. Homelessness happens to people for very ordinary reasons.  Your dad and I are working hard so that you won’t ever have to imagine being homeless, but you’ll be responsible for doing whatever it takes to get paid for doing what you love. A great way to find out what you love? Try everything. Say YES to everything. Do the unconventional. Yes, you can live on a remote island and be calmer and happier. No, you don’t have to do what the everybody says as long as you have talent and follow it.

4.     Compassion is a talent. And you have tons of compassion. Helping people is one of the best career choices you can make.

5.     Care for people, animals and plants. The universe sees this and will reward you. Take in abandoned animals. They will love you forever.  Water abandoned plants. You will love you for doing this.

6.     “The Universe” is energy. Everyone’s energy. When you put out good energy, it’s felt. When you do good things, it’s felt. Nothing goes unseen.

7.     Say too little rather than too much. Don’t feel intimidated by silence, whether it’s between two people or two emails. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything.

8.     Assume everyone has the best intentions. It’s either that or assume everyone has the worst, and assuming everyone has the worst just gives you a headache and makes you feel sick.

9.     Do everything you can for your friends. They are your true family. They will stick by your side through everything and will experience everything with you. They will know you better than your own family.

10. Forget the past if you can. It takes work but it’s worth it. We make our reality what we want. I know those are just words and words are easy to spit out, but I’ve just experienced this and it’s true. 

11. Always apologize as soon as you realize you did something weird/wrong/hurtful. You'll know that it's wrong if it nags at you. Start the apology like this: "It may not mean much to you, but I noticed that I..."